Post by joyluvmusik on Sept 25, 2003 21:50:28 GMT -5
Dennis Miller On The Hellish Arab/Jewish Situation
"A brief overview of the situation is always valuable, so as a service to
all Americans who still don't get it, I now offer you the story of the
Middle East in just a few paragraphs, which is all you really need. Don't
thank me. I'm a giver. Here we go:
The Palestinians want their own country. There's just one thing about that:
There are no Palestinians. It's a made up word. Israel was called Palestine
for two thousand years. Like "Wiccan," "Palestinian" sounds ancient but is
really a modern invention.
Before the Israelis won the land in war, Gaza was owned by Egypt, and there
were no "Palestinians" then, and the West Bank was owned by Jordan, and
there were no "Palestinians" then.
As soon as the Jews took over and started growing oranges as big as
basketballs, what do you know, say hello to the Palestinians, weeping for
their deep bond with their lost "land" and "nation."
So for the sake of honesty, let's not use the word "Palestinian" any more to
describe these delightful folks, who dance for joy at our deaths until
someone points out they're being taped. Instead, let's call them what they
are: "Other Arabs Who Can't Accomplish Anything In Life And Would Rather
Wrap Themselves In The Seductive Melodrama Of Eternal Struggle And Death."
I know that's a bit unwieldy to expect to see on CNN. How about this, then:
"Adjacent Jew-Haters." Okay, so the Adjacent Jew-Haters want their own
country. Oops, just one more thing. No, they don't. They could've had their
own country any time in the last thirty years, especially two years ago at
Camp David. But if you have your own country, you have to have traffic
lights and garbage trucks and Chambers of Commerce, and, worse, you actually
have to figure out some way to make a living.
That's no fun. No, they want what all the other Jew-Haters in the region
want: Israel.
They also want a big pile of dead Jews, of course -- that's where the real
fun is -- but mostly they want Israel. Why? For one thing, trying to destroy
Israel - or "The Zionist Entity" as their textbooks call it -- for the last
fifty years has allowed the rulers of Arab countries to divert the attention
of their own people away from the fact that they're the blue-ribbon most
illiterate, poorest, and tribally backward on God's Earth, and if you've
ever been around God's Earth, you know that's really saying something.
It makes me roll my eyes every time one of our pundits waxes poetic about
the great history and culture of the Muslim Mideast. Unless I'm missing
something, the Arabs haven't given anything to the world since Algebra, and,
by the way, thanks a hell of a lot for that one.
Chew this around and spit it out: Five hundred million Arabs; five million
Jews. Think of all the Arab countries as a football field, and Israel as a
pack of matches sitting in the middle of it. And now these same folks swear
that if Israel gives them half of that pack of matches, everyone will be
pals.
Really? Wow, what neat news. Hey, but what about the string of wars to
obliterate the tiny country and the constant din of rabid blood oaths to
drive every Jew into the sea? Oh, that? We were just kidding.
My friend Kevin Rooney made a gorgeous point the other day: Just reverse the
numbers. Imagine five hundred million Jews and five million Arabs. I was
stunned at the simple brilliance of it. Can anyone picture the Jews
strapping belts of razor blades and dynamite to themselves? Of course not.
Or marshaling every fiber and force at their disposal for generations to
drive a tiny Arab State into the sea?
Nonsense. Or dancing for joy at the murder of innocents? Impossible. Or
spreading and believing horrible lies about the Arabs baking their bread
with the blood of children? Disgusting. No, as you know, left to themselves
in a world of peace, the worst Jews would ever do to people is debate them
to death.
Mr. Bush, God bless him, is walking a tightrope. I understand that with
vital operations coming up against Iraq and others, it's in our interest, as
Americans, to try to stabilize our Arab allies as much as possible, and,
after all, that can't be much harder than stabilizing a roomful of
supermodels who've just had their drugs taken away.
However, in any big-picture strategy, there's always a danger of losing
moral weight. We've already lost some. After September 11 our president told
us and the world he was going to root out all terrorists and the countries
that supported them. Beautiful. Then the Israelis, after months and months
of having the equivalent of an Oklahoma City every week (and then every day)
start to do the same thing we did, and we tell them to show restraint.
If America were being attacked with an Oklahoma City every day, we would all
very shortly be screaming for the administration to just be done with it and
kill everything south of the Mediterranean and east of the Jordan. (Hey,
wait a minute, that's actually not such a bad id . . .ooh, that is, what a
horrible thought, yeah, horrible.)"
Dennis Miller - Comedian
"A brief overview of the situation is always valuable, so as a service to
all Americans who still don't get it, I now offer you the story of the
Middle East in just a few paragraphs, which is all you really need. Don't
thank me. I'm a giver. Here we go:
The Palestinians want their own country. There's just one thing about that:
There are no Palestinians. It's a made up word. Israel was called Palestine
for two thousand years. Like "Wiccan," "Palestinian" sounds ancient but is
really a modern invention.
Before the Israelis won the land in war, Gaza was owned by Egypt, and there
were no "Palestinians" then, and the West Bank was owned by Jordan, and
there were no "Palestinians" then.
As soon as the Jews took over and started growing oranges as big as
basketballs, what do you know, say hello to the Palestinians, weeping for
their deep bond with their lost "land" and "nation."
So for the sake of honesty, let's not use the word "Palestinian" any more to
describe these delightful folks, who dance for joy at our deaths until
someone points out they're being taped. Instead, let's call them what they
are: "Other Arabs Who Can't Accomplish Anything In Life And Would Rather
Wrap Themselves In The Seductive Melodrama Of Eternal Struggle And Death."
I know that's a bit unwieldy to expect to see on CNN. How about this, then:
"Adjacent Jew-Haters." Okay, so the Adjacent Jew-Haters want their own
country. Oops, just one more thing. No, they don't. They could've had their
own country any time in the last thirty years, especially two years ago at
Camp David. But if you have your own country, you have to have traffic
lights and garbage trucks and Chambers of Commerce, and, worse, you actually
have to figure out some way to make a living.
That's no fun. No, they want what all the other Jew-Haters in the region
want: Israel.
They also want a big pile of dead Jews, of course -- that's where the real
fun is -- but mostly they want Israel. Why? For one thing, trying to destroy
Israel - or "The Zionist Entity" as their textbooks call it -- for the last
fifty years has allowed the rulers of Arab countries to divert the attention
of their own people away from the fact that they're the blue-ribbon most
illiterate, poorest, and tribally backward on God's Earth, and if you've
ever been around God's Earth, you know that's really saying something.
It makes me roll my eyes every time one of our pundits waxes poetic about
the great history and culture of the Muslim Mideast. Unless I'm missing
something, the Arabs haven't given anything to the world since Algebra, and,
by the way, thanks a hell of a lot for that one.
Chew this around and spit it out: Five hundred million Arabs; five million
Jews. Think of all the Arab countries as a football field, and Israel as a
pack of matches sitting in the middle of it. And now these same folks swear
that if Israel gives them half of that pack of matches, everyone will be
pals.
Really? Wow, what neat news. Hey, but what about the string of wars to
obliterate the tiny country and the constant din of rabid blood oaths to
drive every Jew into the sea? Oh, that? We were just kidding.
My friend Kevin Rooney made a gorgeous point the other day: Just reverse the
numbers. Imagine five hundred million Jews and five million Arabs. I was
stunned at the simple brilliance of it. Can anyone picture the Jews
strapping belts of razor blades and dynamite to themselves? Of course not.
Or marshaling every fiber and force at their disposal for generations to
drive a tiny Arab State into the sea?
Nonsense. Or dancing for joy at the murder of innocents? Impossible. Or
spreading and believing horrible lies about the Arabs baking their bread
with the blood of children? Disgusting. No, as you know, left to themselves
in a world of peace, the worst Jews would ever do to people is debate them
to death.
Mr. Bush, God bless him, is walking a tightrope. I understand that with
vital operations coming up against Iraq and others, it's in our interest, as
Americans, to try to stabilize our Arab allies as much as possible, and,
after all, that can't be much harder than stabilizing a roomful of
supermodels who've just had their drugs taken away.
However, in any big-picture strategy, there's always a danger of losing
moral weight. We've already lost some. After September 11 our president told
us and the world he was going to root out all terrorists and the countries
that supported them. Beautiful. Then the Israelis, after months and months
of having the equivalent of an Oklahoma City every week (and then every day)
start to do the same thing we did, and we tell them to show restraint.
If America were being attacked with an Oklahoma City every day, we would all
very shortly be screaming for the administration to just be done with it and
kill everything south of the Mediterranean and east of the Jordan. (Hey,
wait a minute, that's actually not such a bad id . . .ooh, that is, what a
horrible thought, yeah, horrible.)"
Dennis Miller - Comedian
